MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) is no joke!

MDD, major depressive disorder. For me it is an overwhelming feeling of “I just want to quit everything.” Everything: job, family, life, everything. Sometimes I just want to run away from it all.  At one point, I told a co-worker I couldn’t go home because “today is the day I can not resist the urge to drive my car off of the bridge.” Luckily that co-worker helped me. I knew my feelings weren’t right, but phone calls to doctors led me to long wait times and I needed help fast. I was blessed to be in a place where people still cared about people and my co-workers rallied around me, covered my classes, and got me a doctor’s appointment, same day.  I don’t remember the doctor I saw, but he, quite possibly, saved my life. I wanted to feel better, so I did what I was supposed to do. Daily meds, weekly counseling and started working on a spiritual relationship. After a year and a half, I stopped the counseling. After another six months, I came off of the meds. That was seven years ago.  

Now, if you know anything about MDD, I was not cured. I had simply learned strategies to help me make my self talk more positive and less “you’re not good enough” “you’re not worthy of love.” But, do those thoughts still creep in? You betcha! They creep in when I’m exhausted or stressed. They creep in when I’m not perfect, which is essentially all the time. MDD is like having a the little demon on your shoulder that reminds you of all of your faults. You work like hell to silence him, but he is there, constantly. Here lately, these thoughts are creeping in again. Thoughts that I am not good enough in any aspect of my life. I’m not a good daughter, because I don’t call or sit with my mother. I’m not a good wife because I’m sure my husband should want someone better. I’m not a good mother, assistant principal, friend, you get the picture.  The funny thing is, NO ONE has said these things to me, except for that little demon on my shoulder. I think that’s what makes MDD so difficult. No one is harder on me than myself. 

If you or someone you love is suffering from MDD, please reach out for help.  Is there a cure? No, but there are ways to make life livable. There are ways for you to not just survive, but thrive. And there are people who love you and you are worthy of that love, no matter what that stupid demon says. He doesn’t know the real you and you don’t have to suffer, you can survive.